The diagnosing machine

One day a man is going grocery shopping for his family, and he finds this new medical machine. He asks one of the employees what it does. “Oh, that machine can tell you exactly what’s wrong with you.” So he tries it out.
He spits in a cup and inserts it into the machine. The machine beeps and boots and spits out a slip of paper. The paper reads *you have tennis elbow. Wear a brace and put ice on it at night and it will be better within 7 days*. The man thinks to himself “wow this is the most amazing machine in the world! That night he goes home and gets this idea to test the machine…
He gathers a hair from his daughter, spit from his wife, pee from his dog, and to top it off, he jerks off into the cup.
The next day he returns to the machine and inserts the cup. The machine beeps and boops and spits out a piece of paper that reads
*your dog has worms, take him to a vet. Your daughter has siphilis, see a doctor. Your wife is pregnant, it’s not yours, call a lawyer. If you keep jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better*



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