Andy Rooney on Sex

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory… I don’t remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings.”

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and
‘stop’, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the Whole Thing. He was happy with the Hole, and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!

(Sorry for lame formatting on mobile)



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4 comments

  1. **The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest.
    “Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
    “That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
    “It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.
    “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
    “Thanks, Father,” said the old man.
    “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
    “Of course, my son,” said the priest.
    The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”.**

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